Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
